Failed

I'm a fucking failure. I drove up to Denver this morning at 5 am for a written test. I had gotten up at 4 am and thus only got 4 hrs of sleep, because I went to see the goddamned Die Hard last night.

Since I signed a confidentiality form I can't quite explain what kind of test it was, but I failed the very first part. Drove over an hour there.. paid $10 for all day parking.. spent 20 mins on the test and was back on the road home. It's the first time I've failed at a test and since I failed the first portion, which was a written test, I couldn't move on to the basic skills and aptitude portions that I usually do pretty well at.

I failed over what has been my bane with any language since I started going to school as a child: Grammar and punctuation. Minimum score was 70% out of 31 questions in the first portion. I scored a 67.74, which means I got 21 out of 31 correct. One more correct would have pushed me into the green. Fucking sucks.

And wouldn't you know it.. when you get there.. they ask if you've prepared and taken the practice test that apparently is only available IN-PERSON... I double checked the website and there is absolutely nothing there. I may not have understood grammar and exact punctuation any better after taking such a test, but at least I may have had a chance at recognizing portions that would have seemed out of place, based on the practice test.

But it certainly isn't any secret to anyone reading my rantings, that I have a problem with run-on-sentences, punctuation, and grammar. One of my ex-girlfriends, who was/is an English teacher/Creative Writing Chair, once long ago complemented me that I write as I speak, which according to her isn't common, but I don't get bonus points for being original/unique/strange.

I've done very well at writing police reports, but maybe they weren't so much after proper grammar and punctuation as the content of the report, as the report writing portion was strictly timed and I had to write so furiously my hand cramped up. But I got full 6/6 for that report whereas the average for my testing class was 4/6.

I'm being overwashed by a myriad of emotions.. sadness.. frustration.. relief.. embarrasment.
I was reminded, on the way home in morning traffic, what I don't like about Denver, but I felt very red-faced being the first one to walk out of the testing room. Sadness comes from the fact that my dream job keeps eluding me yet again. I'm willing to tolerate and to stay in Colorado for the Job, but otherwise I'd like to get the hell out of here, but now I'm feeling so discouraged and pissed that I'm not at all sure I want to fly to Portland, OR for 1-day for their testing in 3-weeks.

>.<